


show me where my armor ends, show me where my skin begins

by evanescent



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fix-It, M/M, Manga Spoilers, ash's quest to self-worth happiness and love, status: pending but he's getting there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-08-29 12:09:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16743736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evanescent/pseuds/evanescent
Summary: It’s a rare quiet afternoon in the apartment on the 5th Avenue when Eiji first asks him the question.“Ash.” He hums noncommittally, to signal he’s listening. “What would you like to do in the future?”





	show me where my armor ends, show me where my skin begins

**Author's Note:**

> spoilers for the ending of the manga in here, so be aware. also brief death ideation
> 
> title from pluto by sleeping at last. @ science please explain why almost every sleeping at last song is an asheiji song

It’s a rare quiet afternoon in the apartment on the 5th Avenue when Eiji first asks him the question.

“Ash.” He hums noncommittally, to signal he’s listening. “What would you like to do in the future?”

Ash frowns at the plans he’s been studying for the past couple of minutes. “What do you mean?” he inquires and glances up, confused.

Eiji, sitting at the other side of the table, is going through the ever-growing collection of the photos from his makeshift surveillance. Now he pauses, looking a bit sheepish, but mostly curious.

“I’ve been wondering,” he starts, voice soothing in Ash’s ears. “If you weren’t doing… what you’re doing right now,” he gestures widely, and Ash almost snorts — _Like what, Eiji, working to bring about a downfall of a sick crime boss?_ , “you’d still be in school about now. Well, probably collage, considering how smart you are. Or maybe you’d have a job or something.” Eiji tilts his head to the side, an open, genuine expression on his face. (Ash still isn’t really used to that, that openness and honesty; people don’t relax in his presence once they know him — they stay alert, high-strung and coiled on the inside.) “So, what would you want to do?”

Ash stares at Eiji, at absolute loss for words. The question is simple enough, even if the answer isn’t. It’s not easy for people going about their regular, boring lives, and for Ash, it seems impossible.

When he was little, he might have had dreams about the future, like every kid did — a pilot, a firefighter, an astronaut — but if he did, he doesn’t remember. Truthfully, he fails to recall times in his life when he wasn’t always struggling against something, someone, when it wasn’t him versus the whole damn world, trying to get away, trying to gather up something to call his own, trying to be _free_.

This isn’t how it’s supposed to be, he knows that much. No child actually wants to grow up to be a feared leader of a gang, no matter how cool it sounds when you’re playing cops and robbers for fun with other kids. Constantly planning to make sure to be steps ahead of everyone to stay alive, not to mention — come out victorious, while being hunted and targeted isn’t a great way to live.

And it’s not like Ash doesn’t care about his gang, about keeping the order of things in Downtown. He’s grown to feel responsible, aware their actions have echoes, consequences that may, and will, come back to haunt him.

On most days, he’s not thrilled about the means to an end they have to use.

On many days, Ash looks in the mirror and sees only a cold-blooded killer.

Sacrifices they make along the way, losses they experience —

(Skip. Griffin. Shorter.)

— he remembers them all, every time he closes his eyes. It’s his burden to shoulder and even if he wasn’t the one who chose it all in the first place, he continues to do so now.

This is what Ash’s life is and so he doesn’t dwell on _what ifs_ and _might have beens_. Thinking about long-term future is a little ridiculous when he can’t be sure if he will get to wake up the next day. It’s not for people like him, whose paths have been forged with pain and blood long before they had any say in the matter.

Thinking about the future — this is for people like Eiji, who aren’t neck-deep in a mess of a world like Ash’s. For people like Eiji, who can do great things, _good_ things. For people like Eiji, who’s still looking at him with interest, bright and warm like sunlight streaming through the windows, like a favorite blanket on a chilly evening. It makes Ash feel safe and secure, makes him see mundane things as something precious, something to be cherished. He greedily soaks in it, more painfully aware in this moment than ever before that it’s not meant for someone like him, that the longer Eiji stays with him, the harder it will be for both of them — but he isn’t quite ready to let go yet.

Instead of finally answering, he asks, “What about you?”

Eiji looks surprised by the turnaround, but he doesn’t call Ash out on it. He starts to absentmindedly rummage among the photos again as he says, “I thought I knew, before my injury. I loved pole vaulting and while I knew it wasn’t something I could do forever, it was there as a plan… until it wasn’t.” For a moment, melancholy and sorrow cloud his expression. Ash wishes he could take them away. “Before Ibe-san came around, I was feeling… aimless for the longest time. And, well, now I’m here,” he finishes, smile back on his face, like there wasn’t anywhere else he’d rather be right now.

It’s ridiculous and mad. Ash feels disarmed by Eiji’s smile and genuineness.

He tries to save face by remarking, “So, you go around asking me questions that you yourself don’t have answers to? Very mature, Eiji. You could have just asked for my advice.”

Eiji seems a little pissed at that, but his voice is playful as he asks, “Oh yeah? And what that would be?”

 _Beats me_ , Ash thinks. _For now, I’m content with you by my side, and I don’t dare to dream any further_.

...

It’s quiet at the library; Ash only hears the rustling of pages, books being picked off the shelves, soft steps over the carpeted floors, occasional word spoken here or there.

He can’t hear his vitality ebb away, but he doesn’t have to hear it to know it’s happening.

He has expected his own death to be many things: painful, violent, ugly, sudden and long time coming. He didn’t imagine it’d be so agonizingly slow yet peaceful.

If only it didn’t leave so much room to think.

If only he could have finished Eiji’s letter, closed his eyes and be done with it here and then.

“Excuse me? Are you alright?”

It’s a woman’s voice, relatively close to him, quiet and polite, with undertones of concern. For some reason, it reminds him of Nadia and Ash feels an ache that is not physical.

 _I’m sorry, Nadia_ , he thinks. _I’m sorry I didn’t keep my word_.

Another regret, another broken promise. It turns out that he had more of these than he’d like to.

“You’ve been sitting here for a while now, barely moving… Are you, uh, asleep?”

He wishes that was the case. It must be afternoon by now; Eiji would smack him across the head, call him a big baby and tell him to just get up already. This knowledge is enough to almost make Ash laugh, but a jolt of pain runs through his torso and he grits his teeth instead.

His time is inevitably ticking down; soon weakness and cold he feels now will give way to numbness, and he won’t have to deal with pain, memories, guilt and burdens anymore. He won’t have to worry about anything again.

Ash told Eiji the truth, that time: he wasn’t afraid of death, and he didn’t want to die. However, he often felt like there wasn’t really a reason good enough to keep on living. Spitefulness and wanting to defy people’s expectations were good motivators, until they weren’t enough anymore.

Gonzoline was dead. So was Foxx, Arthur and so many of men who made his life hell on Earth. Not all of them, but enough to make a difference. 

It was ironic that he would be following after them this soon.

His eyelids flutter open for a moment, heavy as they might be, and his eyes fall on Eiji’s surprisingly neat handwriting.

 _You can change your fate_ , he reads again. Maybe it was foolish and naive of him, but when he was with Eiji, Ash could let himself believe it was true. That even he could start over. That maybe, just maybe, there was something else out there for him, something different, something better.

And wasn’t that what it all came down to, in the end? Isn’t that what Sing actually meant while yelling at him earlier? That there was _more_ to this, to life, than what Ash knew, and that he was an idiot for denying himself a chance to take it.

(If he were here, Shorter would say, _Surviving is the ultimate ‘fuck you’ you could send everybody who wanted to bring you down_.)

 _What would you like to do in the future?_ he recalls Eiji asking him in what feels like a different life entirely, in times that could almost be considered simple. He didn’t have an answer then, and he sure as hell doesn’t now, but...

He doesn’t trust his voice, so he gathers what’s left of his strength and angles his chair to the side. This time, he doesn’t muffle a groan of pain as he lets his body tumble to the floor. He can hear the woman gasp in shock, stammer something about blood, mention an ambulance in a raised voice. He barely registers it, his vision blacking out at the edges.

 _Live_ , he thinks, and feels himself cling to it, for what may as well be the first time in his life. _I want to live_.

…

Ash stands in the arrivals hall and lets himself close his eyes for a moment, to calm down, to prepare.

He is a little cranky, since his seat neighbour alternated between snoring obnoxiously loudly while he slept and talking at him in Portuguese, out of all things, so he didn’t get much sleep himself. After spending over a dozen hours in the air, he feels stiff and sore as he stretches again. That’s not surprising, though; he’s started to grow familiar to the sensation of his numerous old wounds aching as the weather or altitude change. According to the doctors, last two years have taken their toll on his body — too many close calls, too much pushing and exceeding his limits — and while it doesn’t affect his reflexes or mobility, it now allows him to join old folks in complaining about aching joints.

That’s fine with Ash. A little annoying, sure, but better than the alternative.

His opens his eyes and re-adjusts the strap of the backpack over his shoulder as his eyes scan the crowd, looking for Eiji. Surrounded by strangers, standing out in the open like that, Ash can’t help but feel a little naked without a knife or a gun.

(He wonders if this feeling will ever go away, or at least stop being a reflex.)

He wonders what Japan is like. It’s his first time visiting, but back in New York he already began to look into the regulations of permanent residency. Just as a possibility to consider, nothing decided yet. Who knows if he will like it here, after all.

(That’s a lie. Ash would love a garbage dump if Eiji was there with him.)

“Ash!”

He turns around and immediately spots Eiji. He’s waving a hand, already making his way towards him, just short of actually running. It takes Ash’s breath away for a second.

( _I’ve been thinking_ , Ask said earlier this month, hesitantly, tentatively, over the crackle of the static on the line carrying through the wide ocean, miles and miles between him and Eiji. _What we talked about before, about Japan —_

 _Yes_ , Eiji interrupted him mid sentence, breathless, just as if he’d been waiting for that. _Come. As soon as you can_.)

They meet half-way and Eiji actually _picks him up_ off the ground, arms wrapped around his middle tight. Ash sputters and flails while Eiji laughs. Somehow, it’s the most beautiful sound Ash has ever heard.

“Eiji!” he calls, chiding, but he’s grinning, too. Something warm and secure is growing in Ash’s chest, right under his ribs, threatening to split it open from the inside, but this, he doesn’t mind at all. “Put me down before you hurt one of us.”

“I would never,” Eiji replies with absolute certainty, but humours him — not without a twirl, though. Ash’s cheeks are burning. He knows people are staring, but he lets Eiji pull him into a hug. “I missed you. I’m so glad you’re here.”

Ash relaxes then, leans in as Eiji’s hair tickles his cheek and ear. “Me too,” he says quietly. How long has he waited for this moment, he isn’t sure. It feels like forever.

When Eiji eventually steps back, his hands stay on Ash’s shoulders. He starts saying something, but falls silent almost immediately, and for a moment, they just stand there looking at each other. Ash wonders if Eiji can tell from looking at him that he hasn’t been sleeping well lately. Maybe he should have worn glasses, after all.

“You should cut your hair,” Ash’s dumb, traitorous mouth says when he can’t take it anymore.

“Maybe I’m growing it to be long, hm?” Eiji counters, pouting. Ash hums at that, trying to picture it. Eiji smiles again and moves his hands to Ash’s elbows, squeezing lightly. “We should get your luggage.”

He knows Eiji wants to ask about Alex and the rest of the gang, about Sing and Chinatown, about Yut-Lung and Cain. About that day, the letter and the aftermath. There are only so many things they could have discussed during the phone calls. But Eiji is patient, seems content to wait with Ash for his baggage, as he goes through the customs. It’s enough to put Ash himself at ease.

They have so many things to talk about, he knows. So many things Ash never dared to think about, much less, talk or act upon. But now…

 _You’ve got time, Ash_ , Max told him when they were waiting at the airport hours ago, a hand on Ash’s shoulder that he, for once, didn’t shake off, and actually was grateful for. _You’ve got all the time in the world on your hands now_.

He’s still trying to wrap his head around this. It’s scary, fragile and elusive. But perhaps more than that, it’s liberating, exciting and beautiful.

As they finally make their way towards the exit, Eiji looks up at him with a fond, inquiring look in his eyes and says, “There’s no rush. Is there something you want to do?”

He knows Eiji is asking about here and now, but this time, Ash can’t stop his thoughts from getting ahead of him and he doesn’t even try.

 _I want to meet your family_ , he thinks, an ever-growing list in his head. _I want to see where you’ve grown up. I want to go to an onsen, visit a shrine. I want to see as much of Japan during this trip as we will be able to. I want to start learning kanji, though I admit they look intimidating. And I think I want to go to college. Give therapy a try. Get a pet_.

 _Everything_ , Ash thinks and inhales deeply as they step outside, into the world. _I want to do everything with you_.

**Author's Note:**

> the problem is, i knew how bf ends even before i started reading it. but i still read it. yes i'm boo boo the fool
> 
> the concept of ash finally letting himself accept a chance for change and healing & that he deserves to be happy, loved and love is incredibly important to me and makes me so emo. i have a spiritual sequel to this in plans, but we will see
> 
> thanks for reading, kudos and comments are much appreciated!


End file.
